Posted: 27th October 2015
I have found the last month to be such a seesaw of emotions. One minute elated the next minute terrified, then frenetic with activity giving way to anxiousness and being wracked with self doubt. I have moments (no scrap that), nanoseconds of self praise, then hours of self deprecation and criticism, where I pour over my work with a snag list in hand, picking on myself.
As a child I was always the heaviest of my peer group and invariably seesawing was no real fun unless my opposite was an adult. Mentally and emotionally It feels a bit like that now. As though all my negative feelings are overbalancing the seesaw and I’m struggling to find an adult to get a bit of movement on the other end of my self criticism. Someone who will load on the praise and tell me how good I am.
I have always sought out other people’s opinions in every aspect of my life to try to get objective input and reassurance through praise, and so continue to do this. Family and friends have been incredibly supportive in loading on the praise with regards to my work. Problem is I’m still gripping the snag list.
On Sunday I launch myself into the outside world where sales will be an indication of popularity and I will no doubt interpret this as praise (or criticism if nothing sells).
The difference is that I now have an advisor called James (through A4e and the New Enterprise Allowance) who summed things up very neatly for me, during a recent support session.
” There are hundreds of cars on the roads, so many to choose from all doing basically the same thing. I would never buy a Ford Mondeo. There’s nothing wrong with them as cars go, but they’re just not to my taste. However they are a very successful car and many are sold, and many people like them”.
So a BIG shout out to James for being the person who jumped on the seesaw with me, and for giving me a bit of balance.
I get the feeling the seesawing has just begun – but I’ll take the ups with the downs, because so far, nothing beats the feeling of being your own boss.
