Posted: 8th August 2018
Hard to believe that our pain actually could have a purpose? But, hold that thought…
This time 2 years ago, I was just days away from a car accident which would have a dramatic effect on my life in terms of both physical and emotional pain. Thankfully, I was not seriously injured in the sense that I walked away from the crash. Nobody else was hurt. I honestly thought with a day or two of rest that things would be back to normal. I could never have imagined what the actual outcome would be.
As the anniversary approaches, my pain is still as intense as it was in the early days after the accident. However, what I believed to be a physical pain, now looks to be more of a psychological injury. Long and short of it, my brain and body are holding on tight to the trauma of the accident.
Me and my pain have had a lot of time to think over these months.
So, typical of me, I explored what I could do to get my head back into a safe space. For my body to ultimately let go of the trauma and for things to hopefully go back to “normal.”
I have had some uncomfortable treatments and consultations with a host of experts. I was getting desperate for answers and getting nowhere fast. Then, one day whilst meditating the word “trust” came up several times.
Giving it lots of thought, I was intuitively guided to read various books and articles and the answer came.
“Trust that the universe has your back.”
I decided that if I was going to save my sanity, I had to deal with the “what is” as opposed to focusing on the “what if’s.” All the other stuff was going to happen in it’s own time and all the stressing in the world from me wouldn’t make a scrap of difference.
It was on the day of the Summer Solstice, that I kind of woke up to myself. Realising that this pain and the resulting struggle was teaching me a lesson. I HAD to put myself as the priority and work on ME. My focus had to shift to what could I learn from this as opposed to “why is the world out to get me?”
My first decision was to make a commitment to step back onto my yoga mat and move everyday, no excuses. I opened my journal for the first time since April and started to log my thoughts. I purposely chose guided meditations that invoked my warrior goddess quality and I started the fight back.
My warrior spirit is slowly emerging again…
….but in a tentative, scared, nervous kind of way. A bit like setting off to climb a huge mountain. You know you will feel great once you are up there, but its an uncomfortable journey to see the amazing view. I made a pact with the universe to be more trusting of my life’s journey. To listen to my intuition more and just generally be more authentic and embrace who I am as opposed to who people expect me to be.
My pain has taught me lessons in patience, tolerance, submission and respect for my body. My enforced sabbatical has given me lots of time for reflection. It has revealed to me what I want from life but also what I don’t want. Nobody wants to be in endless pain but I do truly believe now that this is one lesson I needed to learn. Self Love!
Our mental health can positively impact our physical state…
We often hear the statement, mind over matter. And whilst I don’t think having a positive mind-set is a cure all, I definitely believe that it can shift our capacity to deal with the physical pain. Recommitting to my daily practice of meditation and yoga has given me the ability to be more mindful throughout my day. Living in the present is much more preferable than the worrying about what may or may not happen.
This has been a huge period of transformation for me. It has allowed me time to just be, to appreciate what and who is around me. Probably for the first time ever, I have had the time to be truly who I am. To appreciate who I am.
Hours and hours home alone gives plenty of time for thinking and questioning. For looking back but also forward. It has shown me that I have been trapped by the constraints of others expectations, always the people pleaser but never honestly pleasing myself.
Albert Einstein said “adversity introduces a man to himself.”
Truth be told, that man knew some shit!!
Through my toughest trials and tribulations it is the time I learn most about me. I have learnt that I am stronger than I ever thought, that my body can withstand vast amounts of physical and emotional pain. That I am tolerant and patient beyond belief. I am incredibly vulnerable but also tough when I need to be. My belief in justice and what is right has been severely dented but still have hope it will all come right in the end.
I have been massively let down by some, but also lifted up so high by others, I get dizzy. What I am trying to say is that no matter how bad things get….and believe me when I say, right now things are bad. There is always a silver lining and a blessing somewhere in the mix…there is!!
To quote Mary Tyler Moore:
“You can’t be brave if you have only had wonderful things happen to you.”
Life isn’t easy, it’s not always fun but it changes. It brings challenges but also great joy. We have to be prepared to recognise a lesson when it is being sent to us. So many things in life are sent to test us, teach us and help us grow as people.
This relentless pain is teaching me lessons I never thought I would need to learn 2 years ago. However, it is teaching me that when things seem impossible, with a little trust and belief in the universe and myself….I’m possible.